Winter is Coming & I Will Not Let Depression Sink In

Winter is coming. I’ve pulled my scarves out of storage and realized (once again) that I don’t have enough sweaters. The sky gets greyer every day and I’ve added an umbrella to the daily rotation of things I put in my purse.

Now, an important thing to know about me is that I hate the winter. Whenever it gets cold outside, I get cold inside. I find myself sleeping longer and I just can’t get up. I’m pissed off in the morning for no reason at all and I’m always–perpetually–fucking freezing.

I can see the redeeming qualities of winter. I understand the appeal of steaming cups of hot cocoa, frozen breath, and Christmas music, but it just cannot bring me out of the six month slump that starts every year in October and doesn’t let up until April. Last winter, it felt like every day got harder. I hated walking to class. I hated waking up in my cold bedroom to a grey sky. I hated smoking frosty cigarettes on my porch while my fingers froze and I hate–hate–hated going out at night. It was too damn cold. The day was too damn short. I was too damn tired.

But I’m not gonna let that happen this year. I can feel it. I can feel the beginnings of my five month hibernation that often leaves my concerned friends pounding on my door wondering why they haven’t seen me in days and if I’m even alive in there. This year I’m going to enjoy winter. This year I’m going to save some money from my paycheck and go out and buy gloves and sweaters and hats so I don’t have to dread leaving the house. I’m going to set goals when I set my alarm and actually get myself out of bed in the morning.

Ever since I graduated and moved to New York City I’ve been hit in the face every single day with the same horrifying revelation: I’m an adult now. I’m out of school.  Every day I feel like I have to wake up and remind myself that this isn’t some extended vacation. There is no winter session, spring semester, summer or fall–there’s just life. I wake up. I go to work. I come back. Maybe I write a bit, maybe I go to an open mic, maybe I just watch a bunch of episodes of The West Wing and go to sleep.

Even though it’s scary, there’s something inspiring about being an official, bill-paying, dinner-cooking, heel-wearing woman. Something about that makes me want to better myself. I don’t want to fall into my old habits of wallowing in winter depression. I don’t have to accept that a change in weather means a change in my mood. This year I’m going to indulge in winter. I’m going to put up Christmas lights in my new apartment. I’m going to turn my heater up, get cozy, and enjoy a cup of hot tea. I’m going to watch snowfall from my window and get excited instead of angry. I’m gonna sit closer to my friends. I’m going to have chilly late night cigarettes and delight in trying to figure out whether I’m seeing my breath or my smoke.

I’m going to enjoy life. I’m going to enjoy life even when it’s cold and dark. I’m going to enjoy life even when it’s hard.