It’s true… I find it easy to pretend like I don’t give a shit because that means no one can hurt me, no one can disappoint me, and no one can break me. I think we have all felt that way from time to time, and I’m sure we can all argue that there is a time and place for you to be nothing more than a “hard bitch” who feels like she is above any type of aggravation and emotion. But, what happens when this tough exterior begins to cost you things you want to feel and experience? Someone who doesn’t feel love, pain, excitement, anxiety, etc. becomes a different version of themselves; this person becomes a shell and has nothing to offer anyone else.
It’s for all these reasons that I had my “aha!” moment. If you were to ask anyone who knows me (Harper can definitely attest to this), they would say I was someone who was extremely guarded and void of any real emotion except when extremely provoked. My biggest problem was giving into the butterflies I felt or the moment when I was truly excited that he actually called. I just felt it was best to be “mehhh” about every bit of excitement I may have felt toward a guy because that way when (not if) it didn’t work out, I had no reason to be broken up about it. I had actually trained myself to expect the worst, and was getting extremely good at predicting all the things that would happen to doom the relationship. It definitely wasn’t ESP… it was more like self sabotage.
By being a “hard bitch,” the guy never got to know the real me. He never knew my favorite flowers are calla lilies, that I absolutely DIE for mexican food, or that some of my best times with someone have been spent hanging out and getting to know someone better. We never even got to that point because I was too busy acting like I didn’t care whether he knew that about me or not. You can’t expect a guy to know all the little things about you when you aren’t even giving him a hint about anything. After continuing this facade for a while, I found myself feeling as empty and void as that person I was pretending to be. I had gone from “hard bitch” to “miserable bitch” in no time, which then turned into “lonely bitch” even quicker. So I had to make a change. I needed to act like myself, act like I wanted to have someone get to know me, and act like a nice person, because at the end of the day who the hell wants to date a bitch?
So instead of acting so hard all the time, I have been showing my soft side. I have actually been opening up to people, allowing even my close friends to see that I want to talk to someone about my day and let on when things are bothering me. I have actually started to feel again. Slowly, I started to realize that maybe guys actually like girls that feel. I’m not saying I started to cry in their arms and tell them about how much I hate my former director, but I let on that I was into them even if I was scared they wouldn’t feel the same way.
What really made this a lot easier for me is realizing that there doesn’t need to be pressure to have every single relationship work out. Sometimes its nice to share a few things with someone even if at the end of the day you two aren’t compatible. The important thing to remember is that opening up will one day pay off, so why start denying yourself the ability to do so for fear of being hurt? Being hurt is something we will all go through and learn from, and it is something that will eventually make us that much stronger and that much willing to start fresh with the next person who comes along.
So drop the act ladies… we all know you aren’t as icy as you claim to be.