The Porn Divide

This is a dicey subject, since “porn” covers so many categories, so I’d like to make a brief (and decidedly not legal) disclaimer before I begin.

When I refer to porn, I’m referring to pornographic videos featuring two (or more) consenting adults, in which, despite whatever acting may be going on, all parties participated consensually. Child pornography, snuff films, and other videos of a violent sexual nature are abhorrent and are not at all part of this discussion.

That being said, porn gets a bad rap.

If you’re reading this (by which I mean if you’ve demonstrated a clear interest in sex), you’ve probably watched porn. And you’ve probably enjoyed it.

Obviously not everyone reads this column (unfortunately), but let’s very unscientifically assume that most sexually healthy people who have watched porn have probably gained some degree of arousal or pleasure from it.

Yet there seems to be a social divide about porn, and I’m not talking about the divide between people who watch it and people who don’t, although that divide certainly exists. I’m talking more about the internal divide between those who secretly watch porn yet are reluctant to admit it (usually women), or those who secretly watch pretty twisted porn yet claim to be all about the more vanilla genres (usually guys). And before you get your panties in twist, remember that I’m grossly generalizing here.

There are clearly exceptions to this. I know plenty of girls who are unabashed about their viewing of porn, and plenty of guys who are just as willing to admit they’d prefer for the girls to be hogtied rather than in control.

Yet it seems as if society would like to have us believe that the average girl has hardly ever laid eyes on smut in video form, and the average guy is happy with scripted girl-on-girl action.

But is this really the case?

I have a sex column, so I’ll grant you that I’m a bit more sexualized than the average girl, which actually doesn’t say much, given that—according to the experts at Kinsey Institute —apparently the average girl sleeps with four sexual partners in her lifetime, compared to the average guy’s whopping seven.

But regardless of how “sexual” I am compared to the average person, I’ll definitely admit to watching porn. I have dozens of times, both alone and when being intimate with someone else. Even in a group! (To have a laugh at ridiculous 1970s novelty porn, during which I can assure you no other sexual activity was taking place; the video was about as arousing as a Mel brooks film).

I definitely don’t watch every kind of porn out there. Like everyone else, there are certain things I like and certain things I like less. But the point is that I don’t think it’s an unhealthy occasional habit.

That said, I’m certainly nowhere close to being “addicted,” and I could easily go without it. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with indulging every once in a while, especially in joint company to spice up the mood. Granted I don’t go shouting from the rooftops about the fact that I occasionally watch porn, but in the appropriate setting, with people I feel comfortable discussing it with, it’s not something I’m necessarily mum about.

I think that this applies to far more women than are willing to admit it. And I’m sure that far more men (and women) watch more hardcore porn than they’re willing to admit to. I certainly have (both intentionally and inadvertently).

But if everyone does it, why does no one talk about it? We all love talking about sex, that’s for sure – It’s everywhere on TV, in magazines, even on our iPads! – but we don’t like talking about it as much when it crosses an invisible line.

Ladies, how many times have you told your girlfriends about the last amazing orgasm you had? And when did you tell them about the last time did anal? Not as often, I imagine, even if it’s something you like. And the same (probably) applies to guys. Not that I have any internal intelligence on what guys share to each other about their sexual encounters, but I’d bet money that they’re more likely to dish about getting great head than about that time a girl snuck a little finger up their back door and they actually liked it.

Porn is the same. There’s an implicit social norm that guys can, do (and even should) watch porn, whereas girls won’t, don’t (and shouldn’t).

But if this isn’t true – and we all actually watch more and kinkier porn than we’re willing to admit – why are we still not willing to admit it?

I’m not saying you need to bring up your favorite Asian school girl video next time you have brunch with your grandparents, but let’s at least break down the stigma among our peers!

Help a team of researchers change misconceptions about porn by participating in a brief survey for a scientific study that approaches porn-related research from a dramatically different perspective than the norm (which tends to lump all pornographic material together and demonize it).

Maybe when the results get published – and we see how we’re not actually so different from everyone else – we’ll all be a little more willing to admit it.

Originally published on Date Daily. Republished with permission.

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