Many of my first sexual experiences were with my first boyfriend (“boyfriend” defined in high school terms, so really, just a boy who I hung out with). He was the first boy I kissed, the first boy who felt me up above and below the waist and the first boy to see me naked. As he was a bit older than me and more experienced, he was convinced that he knew when a girl was having an orgasm. I learned this firsthand after he had gone down on me and failed miserably at it.
“How was it when you came?” I remember him asking in a cocky tone. I looked at him skeptically.
“Um. I didn’t,” I responded.
“I think I know when a girl comes,” he stated sternly and defensively, throwing his previous experience in my face.
“Well, I think I know a little bit more about when a girl comes than you do,” I said incredulously.
I couldn’t believe that he was trying to tell me about my orgasm (or lack there of in this case). From that moment on, I promised myself that I would never be afraid to vocalize my thoughts when it came to sex. After all, if I had spent most of my life letting people know what’s on my mind, regardless of whether or not they want to hear it, why should it be any different when it came to matters of the bedroom?
There is a common belief that relationships are built on trust and honesty. We have all these phrases that encourage these kinds of traits within a relationship: Honesty is the best policy, Communication is key, Actions speak louder than words. All these sayings emphasize how important it is to express your thoughts, concerns, and desires to the person you’re involved with. Basically, these terms validate my talkative ways. As my relationship with Wesley has been slowly evolving and growing over the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned that it’s best for us to be open with one another and that’s how it’s been from the beginning. As a result, he’s become someone that I can trust and to talk to about anything and everything–ranging from family and friends, to work, movies and books, our relationship and our sex life.
Talking about sex can be difficult. Sometimes it’s hard to properly communicate what you want, how you want it or why you don’t want something. You don’t want to offend your partner, what they like or their skills. However, when it comes to sex, there should be pleasure for both parties involved, not just for one half. I, for one, am not afraid to let Wesley know what I want, but that’s not the case for everyone.
So how do you go about tackling the sex talk?
1. Bring it up. If you want to let your partner know that you want something, like something, or absolutely hate something, you can’t be afraid to speak up. Your partner most likely doesn’t have mind-reading abilities so it’s on you to bring up the topic. If you’re feeling a little too vulnerable to say, “This is what I want,” simply turn the tables and ask him or her what they want. It’ll be an easier way to slide into a discussion of things that you’re both desiring, and that way, you’re not alone.
2. Act on it. If you’d rather do it and then talk about it, when you’re in the middle of a steamy session of love-making, make your move. Doing this can shock your partner, but that’s a risk you might have to take. It’s easy to grab someone’s hand and put it where you want it or demand something in the middle of action. Although this option focuses more on the doing rather than the talking, it’s always nice to discuss afterwards. When you review a new move, it allows you to get a sense of how your partner enjoyed it or didn’t enjoy it. Then you can continue doing it or eliminate from the bed.
3. Give it a try. The sex that you’re having isn’t all about you–it’s about your partner too. This means that s/he might be hesitant to try things and so will you. But it’s important to be willing to explore those options because it means something to your partner. If you discuss each other’s limits you can say, “Well, I don’t really like this but because you want to do it, I’ll give it a try.” Relationships are partly built on compromising, and sex is about exploring the body, so be open and see where things go. After all, if you haven’t tried it, who says you won’t like it?
It’s important to be aware that different people enjoy different sexual acts–not all of them may be right for you. But if you’re in a relationship in which sex is an important part, then your mind should be open to trying different things, to keep things exciting for you, your partner and your relationship. However, if you’re truly uncomfortable about doing something, you don’t have to. That’s why talking about sex is necessary–if you’re already sharing your body with a person, you’ve got to share your thoughts with them too.