It always feels like a lose, lose kind of situation for me. Love, life, work, etc. I can never have a good moment and keep that momentum going. Good moments in love quickly turn into me thinking more of a situation, coming on too strong too soon in action and emotion, and then being met with a brick wall and a cloud of dust where the object of my affection had once been.
I end up destroying everything I think will work. I over-think situations, I try too hard, I express too much possibly to the point of intimidation, and all uses of “too” add up to “too much” to process/handle/ deal with for anyone. This is true for work as well. I find a groove, and in my groove everything is going great (much like the fictitious dating situation in my head). There are no obstacles, no hiccups, no issues… But much like the “too’s,” the “no’s” turn into “no, no, no!” from everyone and everything, and starts to make you doubt all the work you have been putting in. It doesn’t matter that you have been monitoring things after hours, or taking control of projects others leave to figure themselves out based on laziness and carelessness. What matters is that their inefficiencies reflect on you, based on your inexperience in a field that is not your own or still new to you. What matters is who in the end is holding the smoking gun… And there you are, gun in hand.
So what am I getting at with this long winded, rambled explanation about how someone can be too much but not enough all at the same time? Exactly that! There has to be a happy medium. There has to be a point where you believe in what you have and what you do, but still have the humbling thoughts and experiences that keep you grounded and on your toes. How can one grow or evolve if they find themselves in this constant place of homeostasis where everything is chugging along as it should and there is no true good or bad happening?
I tell myself I am in a lose, lose situation all the time. However, perhaps that is where I force myself to be. Maybe that is my neutral. Maybe I set myself up for these types of situations so I have nothing left to do but blame the universe and say “woe is me!” Regardless of intent or motive, we find ourselves constantly making the same missteps without taking the corrective actions to avoid these missteps in the future. I continue to do this based on fear mixed with a heap of insecurity, but I have yet to come up with a good reason to change this behavior. Maybe I never will… but at least I have the decency to admit it.
Normally I have some type of resolve at the end of my posts, but for now you may just have to enjoy this journey with me until I can report back with some type of learning. Until then…