A couple of days ago I wrote about five things that women secretly want in bed but are too afraid to ask for, so I thought it would only be fair to write an edition for men.
My research for this article was a little more thorough (if just as unscientific), mostly because, as a woman, I have much less intuition about what men want. So I checked in with some of my gentlemen friends (and some of my gentlemen “friends”) and this is what I came up with.
Whereas the women’s list was mostly comprised of things we’re afraid of being considered unladylike for wanting, the following five things are on this list mostly because guys are afraid we’re going to say no. They don’t really care if we judge them for it, but they certainly care if asking for something risqué in bed is going to jeopardize their chance of getting laid.
So what do guys secretly want in bed but are too afraid to ask for?
What surprised me about women was how many of them liked really rough sex. What surprised me about men was how many of them are secretly exhibitionists. Maybe this relates back to the power of visual stimulation for men, but the idea of being filmed, and the knowledge that they can later go back and watch themselves fucking, was an incredible turn on for most guys that I talked to. This is hard to ask a woman to participate in because it creates lasting proof of sex, and given how easily videos are copied and distributed, the idea of having that proof exist makes most girls (and some more responsible guys) uncomfortable. Break the ice by mounting a mirror by the bed, and indulging in some non-permanent visual stimulation. If the girl is into it too, you can eventually suggest a camera to capture the action from a different angle. Just make sure you give her total control and ownership of the video.
Screaming Girls & Dirty Talk.
Almost every single guy I talked to said he wanted girls to be more vocal in bed. The requests ranged from telling them when you’re about to come, to giving a little guidance on where things are, to wanting uninhibited screaming. The consensus is that girls aren’t vocal enough in bed, and guys don’t know how to tell them to open their mouths and let loose. On the other hand, some guys wanted to be the ones to talk, but were nervous that what they really wanted to say might be offensive. My suggestion would be to slowly integrate some more acceptable dirty talk, to set the tone, and then offhandedly mention that if anything “more colorful” were to slip out, it would just be in the heat of the moment and not a reflection of the fact that you actually think she’s your dirty little whore. And if you want the girl to do the talking, just tell her how much being vocal really turns you on and helps you out.
A Bit of Assplay.
This is the most controversial one, and possibly the thing guys are the least likely to ask for. Anything having to do with a guy’s ass has been so “homosexualized” that even guys that are not homophobic at all are loath to ask for anything involving their own asses, lest the girl begin questioning their sexuality. But think about it, why do gay guys have anal sex? Probably because it feels good. That area is a clusterfuck of nerve endings, of course it feels amazing when it’s stimulated. And why should straight and gay guys be any different, physiologically? What feels good for a gay guy probably feels pretty good for a straight guy, too. Now I’m not saying this so that girls run out and buy strap-ons to peg their boyfriends with. But ladies, if you’re curious about whether your guy might like a bit of assplay, maybe a wandering finger and a bit of pressure could start the conversation next time you’re going down on him. And for the guys who want it but don’t know how to raise the question, next time she’s getting you started with a hand job, slowly guide her hand a little further south and say, “I really love it when you rub right there.”
A Bit of Spanking.
Personally, I’m a fan of spanking more for the mood that it sets than for the actual physical sensation, although I’ll concede that it isn’t unpleasant. But there are people, women and men alike, who are very aroused by being spanked, and like to make it part of their regular routine. The problem is that spanking puts the spankee in a more dominated position, a position that (most) men generally don’t like to be in. But spanking doesn’t have to be about being completely dominated, it can be just about the physical pleasure of having your ass slapped. If she likes being spanked, ask her to maybe try it on you. If neither of you have tried it before, next time you’re doing it missionary-style and her hands are grabbing you, pushing you to thrust in harder, you could take her hand, guide to where you want to be spanked, and do it yourself, using her hand. Unless she’s a blowup doll, she should get the hint.
I thought this was something that, as a guy, if you’d done it, you loved it, and if you hadn’t you definitely wanted to try it. No exceptions. Apparently there are a lot of exceptions. Plenty of guys who have tried it weren’t impressed, and have no intention of doing it again, and plenty of guys who have never tried it are in no rush to change that. But, there are of course those who have done it and want to do it again, and those who haven’t done it and desperately want to see what it’s like. One guy I talked to suggested teasing the area a bit (you could accidentally slip out and then play around there for a bit) as a way to raise the issue, and then later ask the lady if she thought it might be fun to try next time. As I warned in the last article though, this isn’t really something to try spontaneously. It’s best to plan ahead and prepare with a shower and more lube than you think you’ll need.
And this, my friends, is what I learned from all the gentlemen who were generous enough to reveal their inner sex-monologue so that I might share it and take some of away the mystery around the more unconventional things that men secretly want.
Again, not all men want all of these things. So ladies, before you break out the paddles and go putting your fingers in new places just because you suspect he might like it but hasn’t mentioned it yet, ask, or start out gently and slowly, so that you don’t freak them out. And gentlemen, the same goes for sticking it up the butt or screaming out “dirty whore!” as you’re about to come. And definitely never film her without her explicit knowledge and permission.
Moderation—at least when introducing something new (later on you can obviously set your own limits)—is key.
But if you ask and she’s okay with it? Spank, scream, and film away, you kinky, kinky fiends.